Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
-ripples caused by koi-

Do you see the rain my love? / apart from raging storms?
Can we speak without the fire/ of lightning in your eyes?
Will the sea and currents now divide us?/ Will we drift apart?  


-pepper pod wings -

Stillness follows plunking toads/ watched by dragonflies
the air is sweetened by your presence/ next to me on mossy rocks
too far away from memory now/ are others like yourself


-watching you sleep -

Painted without hands/ the sky dances on the pond
Heron feed on fish and clouds/ tasting much the same
A little fire boiling tea/ and unspoken emotions



-Seeking Dragons-

cherry blossoms caressing hair/ stirred by evening and starlight
tasting the remains of sweet memories/ longing for new
distantly lanterns awaken / quietly we ignore them



-weaving between-

moonlight gently held/ within your eyes and smile
as laughter finds what was lost/ returned and restored
slipping past the dawn/  a new day, enhanced by dew
these where written several months ago, and just before my computer began acting paranoid and refusing to open the pod bay doors. this Eastern form of poetry is called Soji, and from what i understand it predates haiku by a considerable length of time. this is the order in which they were written, so in a sense they are related to each other and tell a story, however you can read them apart form each other and still come up with your own narrative. the first was inspired by Basho (and his plunking toads) and that naturally lead to the ones and the imagery that followed. i am very happy with this sequence.

if these inspire your own soji, i would like to read them
Add a Comment:
 
:iconroguemudblood:
RogueMudblood Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2016   Writer
I like how it opens with a despairing question, and ends with hope. That works very well with this piece.

The imagery in the first stanza is nicely done, and I like the emhasis on water and storms with the way that you end that portion of it. The second stanza smacks of a bit of discord, though. It reads almost like a clumsy lover who wants to woo their love and keeps sticking their foot in their mouth every time they speak. I'm specifically referencing
the air is sweetened by your presence
which is followed by
too far away from memory now/ are others like yourself
- effectively putting a damper on the "you're one of a kind" ideology that most naive lovers tend to spout. It's more mature and recognizes that people tend to have more than one romantic entanglement in their lives while also including a faux pas that most actively attempt to avoid: comparing the current lover to past ones.

One thing that is interesting about that pariticular section is the "plunking toads". I don't know if you intended it to, but it brings to mind a plague of Egypt. Likewise with the dragonflies who are "watching"; it's certainly an intriguing way to compliment a lover: "Before now, all of my relationships were plagues. But now that I'm with you...."

The third stanza, though, doesn't quite seem to fit - at least not at this point. It's the "unspoken emotions" part that gives me pause, because up to this point, the speaker in the poem has been - we assume as readers - speaking to their lover. While it's possible that all of this is internal monologue, it doesn't quite have that "feel" to it. But, then, that's why it's considered art - it's open to interpretation.

Even though you don't openly say it, the fourth stanza gives me an image of two lovers embracing. I think it's the choice to use the words "caressing" and "longing" in combination with "quietly we ignore them". I'm picturing two people who are in a park or private garden, where one partner has fallen asleep against the other and the falling cherry blossoms cause the one to wake. Of course, with the partner there, staring at them lovingly (as we would assume if everything to this point has been inner monologue), the natural reaction would be a long kiss.

I like how you bring it to a close in the fifth stanza. Of course we all want the happy ending, and I definitely like how the dawn ends this lovers' nighttime tryst effectively. Overall, I really think you did an excellent job with this.

I am curious about two things:
  1. Even though the strong emphasis on nature is there, might it be better to categorize this as a romance? The relationship seems to be the more central theme, at least to me.
  2. Why include the separate titles for each section? It's a technique I haven't seen used before, so I'm just curious.
Thanks so much for sharing, and happy writing!
Reply
:iconrainreedshimmer:
RainReedshimmer Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're incredible with words Scott
Wish you could put all (well a large majority) of your collection into a book and find a artist (with a very unique style) that would paint pictures to compliment your beautiful words. 
Reply
:iconscottman2th:
ScottMan2th Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
*grin* thanks Michelle

might have to talk to my cousin -Kacie-
about that idea the next time i see her 
Reply
:iconrainreedshimmer:
RainReedshimmer Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Well i'd love something like that to come to fruition!
I'd be first in (a long line) lol
I know so many others would love to have a bound collection of your beautiful verses. 
Still annoyed with myself for losing that street lamp one you wrote! Grrr!
Reply
:iconscottman2th:
ScottMan2th Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
i still haven't found it here, but i have a lot of flash drives to look through and one or two other computers that it might be hiding...
there's also a chance (albeit a rather slim one) that it might be on one of the messages in my sent folders...but that is a massive
amount of reading to go through (days if not weeks worth)... i can almost remember what i wrote, but the tricky part is that if it
was written as a comment for something someone posted and that person is no longer on DA everything they posted is usually 
lost or deleted... will keep looking...maybe my brain will cooperate and let me remember the words 
Reply
:iconrainreedshimmer:
RainReedshimmer Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The original verse you wrote for someone on pandora. I then wrote it in a comment, but blow me down if i could find it-must have been in a note. Don't worry about going out of your way for it (hugs), it'll turn up if its mean't to😃
Reply
:iconscottman2th:
ScottMan2th Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
if it's on pandora it will show up eventually...i've found comments i've written over a year ago when the song is played...granted predicting when that particular song might show up in the playlist queue is nearly impossible but that's where being at the right place at the right time pays off 
Reply
:iconrainreedshimmer:
RainReedshimmer Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
True!
Reply
:iconscottman2th:
ScottMan2th Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
*nodding* 
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconimmortalium:
Immortalium Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Cool poetry. Looks like a challenging format.
Reply
:iconscottman2th:
ScottMan2th Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks. any new format can seem a bit daunting at first
but this was not that difficult to understand...since it
is related to haiku (which i have written for a long time)
once i began thinking in this style the everything came
together rather quickly
Reply
:iconimmortalium:
Immortalium Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome. Sounds like fun.
Reply
:iconscottman2th:
ScottMan2th Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
this particular set was a lot of fun to write
Reply
:iconimmortalium:
Immortalium Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Must be.
Reply
:iconscottman2th:
ScottMan2th Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
i've tried adding to this but it never really worked that well...
sometimes it's better to leave things alone...the trick is knowing
when that is
Reply
:iconimmortalium:
Immortalium Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
That's true. It can be tricky to learn that sometimes.
Reply
:iconscottman2th:
ScottMan2th Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
agreed...i've written a lot more than i'll ever post...
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconsakura-in-the-rain:
Sakura-in-the-rain Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I love the way these stanzas flow. Not to mention the style of poetry. Well done!
Reply
:iconscottman2th:
ScottMan2th Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you very much. i'm very happy with how these
all came together.
Reply
:iconsakura-in-the-rain:
Sakura-in-the-rain Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
They are very well done!
Reply
:iconscottman2th:
ScottMan2th Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
*grin* thank you very much
would really like to see a few
sumie' paintings to go with these
think that would be awesome
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconscottman2th: More from ScottMan2th


Featured in Collections

Literature by puppycutie

Wonderful Writing by RogueMudblood


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
June 30, 2012
File Size
1.2 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
403
Favourites
12 (who?)
Comments
41

License

Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
×